EmunaDating: What's your dating style?

by Samantha Hulkower

When you are seeing someone new there is always the question: When do I share the news that I'm seeing someone? In today's society there are few good role models most people would want to emulate when it comes to sharing. Most celebrities today are famous for being famous, like Kim Kardashian, and have to keep themselves in the tabloids and in the public eye by revealing all the sordid details of their relationships. Private celebrities, like Greta Garbo and Johnny Depp, are few and far between. How do we know when it's appropriate to spill that you are in a relationship, and when should you keep it under wraps?

Everyone knows someone who can't keep under wraps all the details of whatever relationship they are in. I once had a coworker let out a zen-like sigh and wish for me that I should know the joy of having your boyfriend take you out to lunch during the work week. Seeing as how we were folding jeans at Old Navy, and lunch meant Panda Express at the food court, I wasn't so impressed. Unsurprisingly, by the end of the summer they were broken up, with her going over all of his flaws as we dressed the back-to-school mannequins. Some people just like having something to talk about.

Less frequently, you meet someone who is so quiet about their love life, you don't even know they are dating until you see them showing off their ring at the office water cooler or in your newsfeed on facebook with a new last name or marital status. This can lead to hurt feelings - weren't you two close enough to warrant some smile or wink that things were getting serious? Then again, it's not uncommon in certain circles to not mention anything to anyone until you are engaged - mostly because if you make it past date 5 you're heading to the chuppah anyway.

For the rest of us who don't wear our hearts on our sleeve and date for more than a few weeks before expecting a ring or a break-up there are a few rules of thumb:

  • You should confide in a few people. No one is saying you have to start a facebook group for advice, but it's always good to have a mentor to help make sense of awkward behavior (yours and theirs) and to know if it's time to move on.
  • There is a difference between keeping quiet and keeping a secret. No one will begrudge you not mentioning that you are dating someone while things are first getting started, but after a month or two, if things are going well, there is no reason to lie about where you are going. A friend of mine in New York would tell her roommates she was meeting friends from college, while going on dates with her boyfriend. Not long after, she ran into one of them while holding hands on the subway with her new beau. If the relationship is healthy, after a certain point you shouldn't feel the need to hide it.
  • If you don't want to tell anyone, you probably shouldn't be going out. It is definitely a red flag if there is something about the person you are seeing that makes you reluctant to even mention you are dating to anyone who asks what's new. It could be that they aren't what you think your friends expect from you in a boy/girl friend (such as they don't make much money or could stand to lose a few lbs), but if that is the case you need to grow up or get out now. How can you stand next to them in your wedding pictures if you can't even post a picture on facebook together now?

So, there you have it. At the end of the day, you probably want to let your friends know sooner rather than later if you are seeing someone. It doesn't have to mean providing updates to everyone from your book club to the mailman (hairdressers, you of course keep up to date), but enough people so that when it's time to send out the invitations, your guests are filled with joy and not questions as to who this person is.

No comments:

Yashar LaChayal

The majesty of the Western Wall

Nefesh B'Nefesh