Repost - EmunaDating: Tips from the Top

by Samantha Hulkower

EmunaDate talked with Mr. Shaya Ostrov, L.C.S.W a couple of months ago about Dating ADD and how to cope. Mr. Ostrov, a relationship councelor and author on relationships, recently sat down with us to talk more about developing healthy, lasting relationships.

EmunaDate (ED) How do you suggest meeting quality people?
Mr. Shaya Ostrov (SO) It's hard nowadays to know who is a quality person. You can judge quality by income or appearance, but that isn't an indicator of their ability to be in a relationship.  What we should be asking is how do we meet people who have the potential to enter into, and stay in, a relationship.
The first thing is to stop talking about how to attract the right person. It isn't about attracting someone - people aren't products or peacocks! People are too fixed on externals and not developing the state of mind that engenders being in a relationship. This is why there isn't a correlation between how long a couple has been dating and when they get married.

In my book I  teach how to develop a sense of inner balance and how to quiet fears and anxieties and be in a healthy state of mind throughout different stages of a relationship. It is key to find someone working on these qualities. We need to find a way to get people to relate to each other without all the distractions people face today.

How do you know if it is worth going out again with someone when you are on the fence or indifferent? First, you need someone who meets your basic criteria (morals, values, education, life goals, etc.). If those aren't there, it isn't worth going out again. The next thing to focus on is if the person makes you feel secure.

The greatest criteria for a woman to feel in the decision on whether to go out again with a man, or become engaged to, is whether she can trust her life in his hands - in the whole person. That's what marriage is about - trusting also in their potential, of who the person will become.

If you are going out with someone who is moderately distracted, but at least can relate to you sometimes, then there is potential. But if the person is distracted all the time, don't bother. The goal of dating is for a person to be focused on a relationship. If someone can't focus not worth your time.

How long should you give to see if the focus will be there?
You need to see that the other person has an interest in you and your feelings, that you are cared for, and that you aren't incidental to their life. There has to be a respect for you, what you do, and where you come from. If on the first date you are getting messages that you aren't important, why subject yourself to continued humiliation?

What is the most common mistake singles make when dating?
People don't know how to have a sense of self when things get stressful. The self only emerges when in a quiet state of mind. People spend so much time nowadays figuring out who they are, that's not the issue. The challenge is knowing how to maintain this quiet state of mind in a relationship. For example, I know a woman who is an accountant. Right now it's tax season and she's obviously very busy. Her boyfriend is feeling very insecure because she is at work all the time. The key to dating is being able to trust in yourself and the other person, especially when things are stressful. Often, the closer we get to the person, the more agitated we get and we start to worry that this isn't the right person for me, which isn't necessarily accurate.

Women understand relationships, and so have an advantage with this; men don't understand relationships until they get married. Women are more in touch with themselves and other people, value deep relationships. These are things men tend to develop in marriage. Men are more driven by external stimuli, their needs - physical. It is harder for them to stay focused and get agitated and feel entrapped when dating more readily than women do. Society constantly pulls at men, and so when faced with stress in a relationship they feel tension and agitation.

As relationships develop, the closer a couple comes, the greater the liability. The closer the people become, the more they look at each other and all of the illusions and fantasies that were at the heart of the relationship begin to fall apart and really see the differences. This is normal, but can also be a source of agitation, which in turn causes people to run. What I try to do is give people the skills and ability to be in the right state of mind. In the wrong state of mind normal stuff stops making sense, and this is the danger to relationships.

You can find more insight from Mr. Ostrov 
Tranquility Principle in Dating and Engagement in hard cover or iBook
You can also contact him at

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